The Kenny G Chronicles: Death to Nickelback

Hey Guys

Me.

Kenny G here.

I just stumbled onto this amazing website, and boy, am I impressed!  So many people here are connecting to share their thoughts, feelings, talents and passions.  So I thought I’d share a little passion of mine-my passionate hatred of Nickelback, that is.

Chad thinks he’s buying pot.  It’s actually sawdust.

Furthermore, while I am only a dilettante connoisseur when it comes to narcotics, the members of Nickelback are fully blown enthusiasts.  I’ll put it this way: if the Himalayas were made of pure cocaine, it wouldn’t matter because the Kroeger brothers are too stupid to find them on a map.

Cocaine at 25,000 feet.  FREE TIBET!!!

Hell, I’ve seen them inject everything from Windex to Kool-aid into their long abused veins.  Chad Kroeger sniffs so many magic markers that the ink blots out all his nose bleeds.  Anyways, enough about Nickelback, though in passing I should mention I once received fellatio from Ryan Peake’s wife.  I believe he is unaware of this incident and would appreciate your discretion.

Not shown: Herpes sores on my dick from Mrs. Peake.

Some of you may be thinking by now, “hey Kenny G, it’s great to have you here but you need to get off your butt and get back to the studio to make more of your awesome Saxophone Music!”  Heh, thanks guys :)).  But unfortunately I can’t.  During my last gig, I took exception to a rather rude audience member.  Heated words were exchanged.  I don’t remember what exactly happened next.  According to the media (yeah, I know, tell me about it,) I “dove into the stunned audience without uttering a single world and brutally disfigured the heckler’s face with [my] own instrument par excellence.”

Moments before the incident.

Well I don’t know about all that.  All I do know is that I’m not allowed within 50 meters of another saxophone for another 6 months.  I guess you could say I’m having a little “saxophone break”.  Oh cruel fate! :(  For all those missing out on their Kenny G zen, I could direct you to the numerous clips of my performances on “YouTube” (woefully abridged, I might add.)  But I’m sure you’ve all seen most of them already, or added them to your “Favorites” (because it’s hard to choose just one of ‘em!) soon after you first opened an account on ”YouTube.”  I used to have an extensive presence on “MySpace”, as much to connect with my younger fans as to promote my music.  After viewing a certain program on television hosted by Chris Hansen, however, I have since realized such activity is currently unwise.

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Needless to say, I have filling up my new free time at a brisk pace.  Initially, I tried to expand into other creative fields, dabbling in poetry and sculpture and the like.  I quickly realized that these so called arts were nothing more than the severely retarded step-siblings of the brassy sublimity that is Saxophone Music.
I now utilize my time more wisely.  Last week, I anonymously rented a cheap motel room and spent a lazy Sunday idly perused the yellow pages for escort services.  I discovered later that afternoon that it was possible for me to ejaculate seven times in three hours.

I have also now taken to waiting outside elementary schools and suddenly headbutting the smaller children walking home.  While this may sound a tad abusive, the fact remains that all truly great artists need a little cruelty to properly round off their art.  If I persist in these activities, I firmly believe I’ll be creatively stronger months from now when I return to Saxophone Music.

It’s what keeps me strong.

I’ve also taken up old pastimes that have fallen by the wayside since I dedicated my life to Saxophone Music.  One of these was the martial arts.  Such is my prowess, that I recently killed a man with my bare hands so that I could have sex with his wife without committing the sin of adultery.  I had already jizzed (or rather jazzed) inside her twice when I discovered–you’re not going to believe this–that she was a completely different woman from my intended target!  And get this–she also had a wedding ring on her finger!  This time, the joke was Kenny G…as usual.  Of course, my new found leisure allowed me to discover this joyous website of mirth.  ;)

I was really constipated during this shoot.

On a final note, I’m sure many of you thirst to know some of the secrets of my musical success.  Your envy moves me.  I guess I can reveal one of them because it’s not as if any of you could possibly begin to approach my level of talent.  Have you ever turned on the radio only to hear one of my smooth, yet succulent notes send you into a Kenny G induced orgasm? (Note: this is not an invitation for homosexual advances)  Afterward, did you just sit back, smile and wonder to yourself, “how do you do it Kenny G?  How?”

I’m pretending this one belongs to a Cambodian hooker I’m carnally familiar with.

I’ll tell you how.  When I tenderly put the mouthpiece of the saxophone to my lips, I imagine that I am blowing an enormous air bubble into a woman’s vagina.  I mentally envision the mouthpiece transform itself into a distended clitoris.  Then suddenly, passionately, I concentrate my entire intensity and blow this bubble straight into her uterus with such force that it should cause her some pain and discomfort for a while.  I fantasize that like the first time she kissed on a date, or a rode a horse naked on a beach, she will remember the time when Kenny G blew a massive bubble into her vagina.  For anyone on this forum who actually has hope of seeing female genitalia up close and simultaneously aspires to a musical career, I recommend practicing this thought exercise the next time you perform cunnilingus.

Keep tootin’

Kenny G