Actus Tragicus

On the evening of April 14th, Abraham Lincoln, the greatest and most beloved president in American history, sat down with Mrs. Lincoln and Major Rathbone to watch the comedic play Our American Cousin at the Ford’s Theater.  Earlier in the day, the Great Emancipator’s plans for the evening had been made known to John Wallace, a compulsive masturbator and Confederate sympathizer despite being a native of the unionist state Ohio.

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Wallace was born John Ali Muhammed Akbar Wallace in Dayton, Ohio on July 1, 1839.  He began his career as a stage actor with a penchant for alcoholism, verbally abusing his fellow actors and generally not acting at all.  Fired by the stage company, Wallace took to taking daguerreotypes of himself lying down naked with an erection and distributing the photographs as state fairs.  Feeling that the daguerreotypes were not selling well, Wallace became even more daring and attempted, successfully, to photograph himself at the climactic moment of self pleasure. 

However, the sale of such images was a clear violation of Ohio law and Wallace was arrested.   He was sentenced to getting kicked in the chest 17 times by a mule in light of Ohio’s lack of a functioning judicial system.  His derangement only accelerated from there, and 8 months later Wallace was a banjo player in Nashville.

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Shortly before the play began on the night of April 14th, 1865, Wallace had finalized his diabolical plan.  He would strike against the President.  Familiarized with the theater’s lay out, he would take action before the funniest line of the play, when the whole audience would be distracted with anticipation:

“Don’t know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal; you sockdologizing old man-trap!”

Right before this line was delivered, Wallace crept into the Presidential box.  Suddenly he leaped forward and uttered his now famous phrase-

“First time been here, here looks great!” before ejaculating a long burst of semen all over the back of President Lincoln’s head.  Historians have long speculated that Wallace had not pleasured himself for several days in order to ensure maximum intensity.  With a twirl of his long mustache (the mark of a practicing pederast), Wallace cackled, jumped from the balcony, and fled into the well deserved pages of obscurity.

Seconds later, a still stunned President Lincoln was shot in the head by John Wilkes Booth.